If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
