the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
