i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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