Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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