i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
