We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
