He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
