I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
