I can text with my tongue
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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