Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
