what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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