Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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