you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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