Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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