Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
