He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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