We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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