You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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