Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
