Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
