the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
