i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
