my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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