just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
wanna go halves on a baby?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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