I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
