My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
