a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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