my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
