I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
