Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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