Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
