just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
