I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
