My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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