So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
