I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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