I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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