I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
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