I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear