The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.