Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Im part way to drunk.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
