Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
