In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
