im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
