so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
