took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
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I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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