u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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