come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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