once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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