remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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