Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
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just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
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Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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