Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
