Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
