i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
