I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
