Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Randomize
