I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
