You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Just took my morning after pill in the library
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
